Sana Qadar: And for the most part Jessica was fine with her 'shintroversion', until the loneliness crept in. And then there are introverts who also need to be alone to recharge but who would be absolutely terrified to give a speech because they are also shy. Basically, introversion is a spectrum and there are introverts who enjoy public speaking, but they need to be alone to recharge after a party.
Jessica Pan: So 'shintrovert' is a word I made up, it's not technical, and it just stands for 'shy introvert'. You see, Jessica was a lifelong introvert, actually a 'shintrovert'. The Midnight Oil Award was the final indignity, and it sparked a year-long quest to see if she could change a key aspect of her personality, one she felt was responsible for so many of her troubles. When this all went down, she was in her early 30s, wondering what had happened to her journalism career, and feeling deeply lonely. Sana Qadar: This is dubious award-winner Jessica Pan. And that was one of the things that tipped me off the edge really. You don't want to be rewarded just for staying late at work, it's really embarrassing. And I was so offended and so hurt by it because I wanted to be noticed for creativity or my ideas or things like that. And at the end of the ceremony they finally started announcing this award and it was for the person who gave their life over to it and stayed really late and had no life because they worked so much and it was the Midnight Oil Award, and they thought it was this huge compliment. Jessica Pan: So I worked at this advertising creative agency and they did this annual award ceremony where they award people for funny things or silly things, and I was sitting in the audience, obviously not wanting attention but waiting for my award because I had worked really hard at this job, I had stayed up late, I'd given so much to it.
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